Failure to Thrive: Searching for Answers

Lab work. Blood tests. On a seventh month old. Gut wrenching. But necessary. I am pretty sure it was harder on me than it was on her. If you are having to watch a perfect stranger try to find a vein in your tiny baby, I feel for you. We had some super sweet nurses that helped me though some ugly mommy moments. Be strong. You can get through it. I think I prayed harder in those missed sticks than I ever have. I know other kids have suffered worse things, but when it is your darling little one there crying, arm out stretched, writhing and wiggling for it to stop, and giving you that look that says Why are you letting this happen to me? You feel things you did not even know about. You dig from deep inside of you. You call on God to give you the strength you need. And He does. Even through your ugly cry.

And all those appointments you are driving to, where you do not even know if you brushed your teeth today- yesterday? because all your days are beginning to run together; they will get you answers. You are strong. You are a parent doing whatever it takes to get your baby healthy. What a blessing you are. That child has someone fighting for him. You are a warrior. Exhausted. Frazzled. Overwhelmed. But amazing.

Malnourished. This was our only absolute at this point. So I asked what the health implications are for a baby that is malnourished. I pictured those babies you see on television with distended bellies, sunken eyes, and swarms of flies. That was us, minus the flies. Those children are in a much more critical situation, so please do not think I am making a lateral comparison– just trying to wrap my head around my baby’s health. Or lack there of.

From what I read from articles such as THIS, it was a struggle to trust in God’s plan :

Malnourished children may be short for their age, thin or bloated, listless, and have weakened immune systems. Nutritional disorders can affect any system in the body and the senses of sight, taste, and smell. They may also produce anxiety, changes in mood, and other psychiatric symptoms…X rays can determine bone density and reveal gastrointestinal disturbances, and heart and lung damage.

Was my baby going to have organ damage? Was she going to have life long issues as a result of this? Kidney damage? Liver damage? Stunted growth? There was already concern about her muscle tone. Even if zinc is the issue (which was what we were expecting), would it be too late for certain systems? This is what we talked about. These are the real things we could be facing. We did not fall completely apart. But we did struggle. Our guts twisted and our minds reeled. And our hearts ached. But we tried not to let our minds get carried away until we had the results of her lab work. We researched undernourishment so we could be prepared. Just in case.

But things creep into your mind. Swollen cheek. Unexplained weight loss. Low muscle tone. Failure to thrive. Intestinal parasite. Leukemia. Feeding tubes. Chemo. Death. Recovery. Vitamins. Healthy. Growing. And it all bombards your brain like an iCloud and a mosh pit. It was at this point I reached out to friends. I needed prayers and encouragement. I needed the body of Christ to push me towards the Almighty and keep my mind clear. As clear as it could be. There were nights I laid her down in her crib and prayed that she would wake up in the morning. That might sound dramatic. But she was so listless and we had no real reason for her failure to thrive. And that does happen to babies. As much as I poured over my Bible I also knew that we were not immune to death.

I have always said, you know, with my mouth, that my children were God’s first. After all, He made them and graciously gave them to us to raise. But it is a whole other reality to look your baby in the face, to love her with your whole heart, and truly trust that if she did fail to wake up, that being fully restored in the arms of Jesus is her true home. That being with Him for eternity hereafter and not with you is okay. I had to have those talks with myself. And not in a “convince myself of this so I feel better” sort of way. God is not interested in that kind of nonsense. I mean I really let my heart go. I mean I willingly opened my heart to God wider than I thought was possible. Yes, I cried sometimes at night. But I also had a peace words cannot explain. It is a peace that comes from knowing God’s plans are good and pleasing and perfect. If you have a Bible, read through the Psalms. It will nourish your mom ache. Call on your deep rooted friends and let them love on you. Do not gird yourself too much. Lean into your support right now. Let people help you, lift you up, encourage you, feed you. If there are people in your life who are stressing you out or wearing you down with questions, take a break from them. Nicely. Draw on the strength of your loved ones. And don’t forget who loves you most.

Failure to Thrive... Questions Questions and shocker more questions

It was finally time for the baby’s regular six month check up. I had a few questions but was expecting the typical everything is fine kind of visit. You can insert laughter here.

When the baby was born we were told she had hemangioma but that to be sure we should have a pediatric dermatologist take a look when she was a little older. It is an excess of red blood cells under the skin that typically fades out by kindergarten time. Anyway, I asked about that and about her skin and was ready to be on my way. The doctor had some more concerns. What did she weigh when she was born? How long have her cheeks been like this? Are you breastfeeding? Did you notice one cheek is more swollen than the other? When did this congestion start? Can you see my mind spinning right about now?

In this moment I was doing my best not to freak out. She goes on to say that my baby is severely malnourished. This is where my heart hit the floor. Or ceiling. Or just exploded. I was breastfeeding her and was careful to eat well so that she would get good vitamins and nutrients and all that stuff. We eat all organic and pretty paleo and grass fed. It is not like I was scarfing down twinkies and chasing them with beer. So this was a punch to my gut, logical or not. I felt like a failure. I know it is not my fault, but emotions do not ask permission to make sense. So in the midst of all this I also had to keep telling myself not to feel guilty. But oh did I! So at this point she says the baby likely has a stomach bug or intestinal parasite that is preventing her sweet little body from absorbing anything. She told us to add a probiotic to a little milk and start giving she and I a multivitamin. We were also to collect a sample of stool (the baby’s not mine thankfully ha) to test it for yeast or bacteria or something. My head was reeling so the details are not clear. We were to come back in two weeks for a weight check and follow up. What I thought was going to be a regular visit with a few skin questions turned into more and more questions. What was wrong with her? How did she get this parasite, if that is indeed the problem? How long will this last? Is my milk supply the problem? Is my milk somehow not good quality? Am I eating something she is not reacting well to? How did I not notice this? Overall I felt better after this appointment set in. Yes, I had many questions spinning around, but I thought we also had some simple solutions. Take a vitamin and give her one. Take a probiotic and also give her one. Collect some poop. In two weeks we will be back and I am sure we will see improvements. Keep your game face on for your other children. Pray to God and ask Him for calm. Go about your life. So much easier said than done, right? Read Part 3 for the next doctor visit